‘When we were kids, my dad would occasionally come home from the office after stopping to buy some pastry or sweet that caught his fancy. Whenever he returned with an extra cover, we knew there were some treats in the bag.
We like it when someone comes home from work with a surprise.
What we like even more is when someone comes home with a smile on their face and enough reserves, ready to embrace a new role.’
I have been conducting an experiment in the past few weeks and it has to do with reducing the use of my smartphone in general and more so when I am at work.
To enable this, I have deleted most social media apps and turned off most notifications. If something is hyper-critical (it seldom is), the person will call.
One of the signs of how much you use your phone is the number of times it needs to be charged.
I charge my phone fully before leaving home. On the metro on the way to work, I usually read. Podcasts are listened to mostly during breaks at work, on the laptop. Every hour or so, I check my WhatsApp to see if there are any messages.
All of this means I am setting myself up to decrease my phone usage during the day. Thus far, on an average day, I return home with about 70% to 65% charge, which is reasonably okay. It also helps that my job doesn’t require me to constantly be on my phone but even people whose job requires them to use their phones a lot, spend a lot of time needlessly scrolling.
In some ways, the smart-phone is like a supermarket.
You walk into a super-market wanting to buy one thing and end up a cartload of stuff you don’t need.
You take your smart-phone to check a message and before long, you’re scrolling all your social media feeds and replying to some inconsequential message.
On the days my phone charge dips to 40 or 30%, I know it is for one of two reasons:
a) The phone wasn’t fully charged before I left home
OR
b) I have spent an inordinate amount of time on my phone
I also happen to be reading ‘Triggers’ by Marshall Goldsmith. The book is a goldmine of information and exercises and in one of the chapters, he writes about depletion. When we feel depleted i.e., tired and worn out, we don’t feel good, don’t make the best decisions, treat people badly and don’t follow through on our promises.
The difference between phones and humans being depleted is that phones can be charged in a few minutes. For a person to get out of the depletion zone and give attention to their family and loved ones or indulge in some hobbies instead of plopping themselves in front of a TV or gadget, is harder.
It means we need to manage and monitor our depletion levels constantly.
Granted, some days are more challenging than others. But when it becomes the norm and one finds themselves reaching home not wanting to talk to anyone or lashing out at someone for something inconsequential, it’s time to take serious stock of the situation.
When we were kids, my dad would occasionally come home from the office after stopping to buy some pastry or sweet that caught his fancy. Whenever he returned with an extra cover, we knew there were some treats in the bag.
We like it when someone comes home from work with a surprise.
What we like even more is when someone comes home with a smile on their face and enough reserves, ready to embrace a new role.
Speaking from experience, I have realized that one of the major factors that affect how depleted we get is the atmosphere in our workplaces. When I felt valued, engaged and respected, I returned home in a reasonably happy state and still had a little left in the tank to give to my family or to my hobbies. Sadly, the converse is also true. When I felt devalued, disrespected and disengaged, I returned home frustrated, not wanting to really engage with anyone or anything.
In other words, metaphorically, I was either returning home with a few surprises up my sleeve or, I was returning home empty-handed.
With the advent of technology, the lines between work and life are all a blur. We take work home, answer calls at all odd hours and scroll on our phones endlessly instead of just relaxing.
All of this came to a head when during one of the lowest phases in my professional life, I went to meet one of my ex-colleagues that I had reconnected with after a long time and who needed some help with writing for one of her clients. In the course of that meeting, I met some truly inspiring people who had conviction and passion for what they were doing. I returned home, the grin on my face extending from ear to ear. It took my wife some time to get used to her husband, who had been coming home dejected more often than not, with a grin on his face, excited to share something for a change.
After a long time, I hadn’t returned home empty-handed.
That’s when I knew that’s how I wanted to feel when I returned home. Of course, expecting it to occur every single day is a fallacy. We will all have bad days when we just want to be left alone and recuperate.
I have traveled some distance since that eventful revelation and the resultant peace of mind and clarity has allowed me to conduct some experiments of my own:
a) On reaching home, I put my phone to charge in a corner. The intent is not to look at it but pick it up only if it rings. This is easier said than done. In his blog, Cal Newport describes a method to ensure that we don’t bury ourselves in our phones when we reach home. He calls it the foyer phone method. He says:
‘In the evening, after work, you leave your phone in the foyer by the front door with your keys and wallet. If you need to look something up, you go to the foyer to use the phone. If you’re expecting a call or text message that you need to answer, you put on the ringer, and if it rings, you go to the foyer. If you’re bored during a commercial while watching TV, then you’re just bored.’
b) The problem with smart-phones is that they have become so pervasive in our lives. Need to watch something on Netflix? You need a smart-phone. Need to listen to music. You need a smart-phone.
To counter this, I am considering buying a few board games. These are engaging, test your mind and also keeps you away from vice-grip of technology.
c) I have been reading a lot about questions and how they keep us accountable. In that regard, asking yourself a few questions at the end of the day about how your day was and what you can change can go a long way in improving the quality of your life. I have begun this exercise after reading Marshall Goldsmith’s Triggers.
In his book Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek sums things up beautifully in the following words:
“A study by two researchers at the Graduate School of Social Work at Boston College found that a child’s sense of well-being is affected less by the long hours their parents put in at work and more by the mood their parents are in when they come home. Children are better off having a parent who works into the night in a job they love than a parent who works shorter hours but comes home unhappy. This is the influence our jobs have on our families. Working late does not negatively affect our children, but rather, how we feel at work does. Parents may feel guilty, and their children may miss them, but late nights at the office or frequent business trips are not likely the problem. Net-net, if you don’t like your work, for your kids’ sake, don’t go home.”
If you’re going home feeling empty and dejected every day either because you’re unhappy at work or feeling devalued, hasten up the process of change. It may not be possible for you to quit your job but do whatever it takes to put yourself in a better state. It’s not worth trying to overcome an overpowering environment but it’s worth preserving your sanity, enthusiasm, and love for life.
Leading a full life means reducing the moments, people and places that make us feel empty.
